A few years ago Leon Tsilis and I wrote a screenplay loosely based on our adventures in the music business called "CASALUNA." It never took off. Then we got a call from a guy in Hollywood who asked us to consider turning the screenplay into an animated sit-com for cable. We did it; we like it, but the company he worked for went out of business. We sent it around to a few agents, industry people etc., but no cigar. Bottom line is we're not in the loop and like the old song says, "When you're hot you're hot, and when you're not you're not."

So since it's doubtful that you'll be seeing our hot new series on HBO or Comedy Central in the near future we thought we'd give you the opportunity to read it. Ladies and gentlemen here is the presentation and pilot script for a new cable comedy series, "REJECT RECORDS!"

Ray D'Ariano, Winter 2007

REJECT RECORDS
Original Series Created by Ray D'Ariano and Leon Tsilis
Copyright 2001

Each week viewers will receive a full access backstage pass and share in the extreme trials and tribulations of MIKE LAWLESS and DAVE RUSH; two young music biz promotion guys whose sole mission is to, "have some laughs, make billions and billions of dollars, and retire at 30."

Complicating and complementing their journey is ex-60s rock star turned label owner, EDDIE VOLMAN (think George Carlin, Harry Dean Stanton, or Dennis Hopper), and the independent stalwarts who record for his label: the all girl punk band…VAG ITCH, ska artists…BIG WET KISS, hardcore favorites… VOMITUB, masters of metal… SATANICA, and superstar shock rocker…DELORIS DAY DILDO.

MAIN CHARACTERS & BACK STORIES & LIKE THAT

EDDIE VOLMAN

"Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll used to be the things I did to relax, now its just another day at the office."

Eddie Volman's mid-life crisis has a name – Reject Records. The cynical owner is an unfulfilled rock star who schemes and lies even when honesty would achieve the desired result. In the 60s, he was lead singer with The Orphans, an East coast blue-eyed soul band that wore tattered "Oliver Twist" outfits. From '65 to '68, The Orphans had six top ten records including their number one hit, "Comin' At 'Cha."

After a period of dissension, the group broke up in '68, with all the members suing each other. Dino Pappalardi, keyboardist, was awarded the rights to the band's name. "When Dino and I met in '64 he was playing bar mitzvahs and weddings. I saved his ass when I asked him to join my group. The only reason I did was because his father owned a musical equipment shop. When the judge said Dino had the right to the group's name, I thought of suicide, but got into heavy drug use instead."

Eddie did a candid interview for Rolling Stone. "The music industry is the cesspool of show business. It's run by scum who produce crap that they peddle to morons."

Frank Zappa read this and invited Eddie to join The Mothers Of Invention. He toured with the band until an obese groupie fell from the Fillmore East balcony and landed on his head. "She was on something, thought she could fly and broke my neck. In a strange way I was flattered."

After his recovery he put together the psychedelic-symphonic band, Prunes For Lulu. The group broke up after one album called, "High Mass In The Key Of L.A." "We did a show the night after Nixon resigned; to celebrate we dropped some acid. When Gerald Ford was sworn in he said, 'Our long national nightmare is over'. We thought he was talking about us."

For the next few decades Eddie drifted around on the fringes of the music business. He toured small clubs with ex- Orphans drummer, Enzo Lama. Calling themselves The Adopted Orphans, they performed their old hits. The group ended when Lamas died from an apparent Drano overdose.

In the 90s he opened a recording studio in a long abandoned gay disco called Casaluna. Avoiding the expense of having the large neon sign removed, he named his business Casaluna Studios.

"I was recording all these acts that nobody wanted. I gave 'em studio time, produced their sessions, and they got 200 CDs, all for a fee of two thousand clams. One day two crazy young bastards approached me and said they wanted to sell the CDs on the Internet. I thought why the fuck not! The rest is history."

Those two crazy young bastards are… MIKE LAWLESS AND DAVE RUSH

Dave		Mike

… Both 27 and the driving forces behind Reject.

Dave is a handsome free spirit. He believes in rock and roll and makes a living having fun. Mike married his high school sweetheart. He's smart, but a compulsive worrier. They are a modern day odd couple, who were college roommates.

There Dave hosted a punk/metal/hip hop radio show, Mike was head of the concert committee. Their first successful venture was booking Public Enemy for the homecoming dance.

After graduating they worked at Apogee Records, a major label, where in less than a year, they took over both the Promotion and A&R departments. When the label rejected some cutting edge acts Mike wanted to sign, and refused to use new methods of marketing suggested by Dave, they bolted.

They dreamed of starting an independent label, but didn't have the financing. While at Apogee, Mike received CD's from several acts that recorded at Casaluna Studios. The boys knew something interesting was happening at the small studio in Port Chester. They made a pilgrimage to the source of this new sound. Their heads exploded when they learned of Eddie's colorful past. "Zappa! The guy not only knew Zappa, he was fired by him!"

Now with a studio and a catalogue of albums by acts that wanted a record deal, they felt they had stumbled into a perfect situation.

They convinced Eddie to start a label, Reject Records, and offered their services at no charge. Eddie - "I figured if these two guys wanted to bust their ass and sell the stuff, why not? To be honest I thought they were freakin' nuts, but what did I have to lose?"

They selected four acts, originally rejected by Apogee, to be the first Reject recording artists. The deals were simple, if the groups sold enough CDs they'd get their $2,000 bucks back, and their album would be promoted and marketed. It worked! Soon they sold thousands of CDs via the Internet.

OTHER CHARACTERS
('cause there has to be more than just those three guys and the bands, no?)

Olga		Thad		Nancy

OLGA MARTINEZ is the title on the Assistant To The President's business card. She's a sassy streetwise Latino bombshell who uses her charms to her advantage. In times of crisis, frustration, or anxiety (i.e.: daily), Eddie turns to this ex-topless dancer for solace and advice. She's always there for him and is always candidly truthful. "I think this group sucks and their new CD is a piece of shit. So they'll probably make it real big."

THAD LEE JAMES is the handsome black Vice President Of Legal Affairs. He's narcissistic and opinionated (one of the few African Americans who is convinced O.J. did it). He was a criminal lawyer who once represented Eddie in "an extremely exaggerated and humiliating misunderstanding and not worth discussing." Thad is a wanna-be record producer. Eddie has conned him into working cheap with the fancy title and the promise that he'll get his shot in the studio "soon as we find the right act."

NANCY ROSS VOLMAN is Eddie's smart and stylish ex-wife. She heads her own Public Relations firm and handles several Reject acts. Her fashion statement complements her sensual, sarcastic, and sensible style. She can play it rough and tumble, or fragile and frail. She is Eddie's main adversary, but it's apparent she still has a soft spot in her heart for the big lug.

STORYLINES

1. CHEESE STEAKS OVER PHILLY
The guys join the Satanica tour and Mike's wife wants a divorce. Meanwhile, Eddie plans a Van Halen reunion. Guest Stars: Britney Spears, Chris Rock, and David Lee Roth. (Sample below)

2. SMELLS LIKE BAR FLOOR
After learning that his wife has filed, Mike suffers chest pains backstage at the MTV Awards. Dave and Courtney Love fall off the wagon, and Eddie is arrested when he is refused admission to the post show party. Guest Stars: Jay Z, Kings Of Leon, and Kurt Loder.

3. A DOG DAY'S NIGHT
Norah Jones and the boys are held hostage in a recording studio by the metal band Vomitub. The drugged out crazies are demanding a remix of their album and a helicopter. Guest Stars: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg, and Norah Jones.

4. SPIRIT IN THE SKY
After their manager steals all their money, the boys console Buscrash, a young punk band. Meanwhile, shock rocker Deloris Del Dildo is banned from playing in his hometown and decides to become a born again Christian. Guest Stars: Alice Cooper, Linda Blair, and William Shatner.

5. SUBTERRANEAN HOMESICK BLUES
Dave is stranded in a hotel bar in Detroit with rap star Ludicris and a drunk heart surgeon who lost a patient on the operating table earlier that day. Eddie learns that The Orphans' master tapes are available and is willing to do anything to get them. Guest Stars: James Gandolfini, Ludicris, and Howie Mandel.

6. WHEN THE TRUTH IS FOUND TO BE LIES
Mike and Dave are in the middle of a back stage catfight between punk rockers Vag Itch and The Dixie Chicks. Eddie is having horrific dreams in which he is a Noel Gallagher groupie. Guest Stars: The Dixie Chicks, Ann Coulter, and Noel Gallagher.

7. SUNDAY MORNING CREEPING LIKE A NUN
Madonna tries to seduce Eddie into letting her sample an old Orphans' tune for her new album. Mike mulls over an offer to head his own label. Guest Stars: Madonna, 50 Cent, and The Flaming Lips.

8. CHEECH MY CHONG
Eddie schemes to steal a hot new band from another indie, but must handle their gay manager's advances to ace the deal. On National Smoke Out Day, Dave tries to quit…grass. Guest Stars: Eddie Izzard, Willie Nelson, Tommy Chong, and George Carlin.

9. BURN DA MUTHA DOWN
A local mobster wants Mike to give his niece, a disco artist, a recording deal. Backstage at The Warped Tour, Eddie signs the wrong band. Guest Stars: Ice T, Rancid, NOFX, and Drew Barrymore.

10. EDDIE AND THE JETS
At The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame dinner Eddie gets into a shouting match with Elton John. Meanwhile, stuck in an elevator, Olga puts the moves on Marc Anthony. Guest Stars: Elton John, Marc Anthony, and Jennifer Lopez.

11. MONKEY MAN
When Thad turns down the advances of Vag Itch's manager, he gets sued for sexual harassment. Eddie becomes involved in a ticket-scalping ring. Guest Stars: Melissa Etheridge, John Mayer, and George Clinton.

12. BORED IN THE U.S.A
A heavy metal manager explains his marketing plan to the guys. He's going to have his lead singer killed. Agents trying to catch CD bootleggers use Casaluna Studios for a stakeout. Guest Stars: Kevin Spacey, Roger Daltrey, and The Pogues.

13. SOME CAME TO KEEP THE DARK AWAY
In upstate New York a heavy metal festival, promoted by Reject, is about to go awry because of the town council's concerns. During a meeting to discuss The Orphans boxed set and reunion tour, Eddie is shot. Guest stars: Sharon Osborne, Jeff Goldblum, Wavy Gravy, and Motorhead

Check out the original screenplay for
Cheese Steaks Over Philly